


You Say (I Believe)

by liarlagoon



Category: Detroit: Become Human (Video Game)
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Song Lyrics, Songfic, it was supposed to be all one chapter but i got through the first part and its already 2k words, no beta we die like men, so i'm gonna have to split it up, this is basically hank and the jericho gang trying to make connor realize they all care about him
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-05
Updated: 2019-04-28
Packaged: 2019-08-19 06:12:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 9,360
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16528976
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/liarlagoon/pseuds/liarlagoon
Summary: Connor doesn't think much of himself. His friends set out to change that.





	1. when I can't feel a thing

**Author's Note:**

> I heard "You Say" by Lauren Daigle and immediately thought "Connor/Markus" before I googled the lyrics and realized its a religious song but it was too late I already had the idea
> 
> This was supposed to be all one chapter but I'm gonna have to break it up into four or five because the first bit ended up so long and I write slow and don't have like 9 straight hours to dedicate to this right now
> 
> Rated T for language and a cheesy romance scene I intend to write later on

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Connor gets lost in the snow.

_//You say I am loved_

_//When I can’t feel a thing_

Connor is acting… off. Since the revolution ended – since Connor officially became a deviant – he’d been a little more expressive and a _lot_ more awkward. Hank thought maybe his social relations programs had faded into the background with his new emotions. Hell, maybe they just flat broke. It was kind of funny. His first day back at the precinct, when all the officers in the bullpen turned to stare at him, he had frozen in the entryway. His eyes were wide and his face was tinted blue, and when someone pushed him aside so they could come in as well, he had opened his mouth and let out a funky little static crackle. Hank had laughed his ass off, which had made the kid’s whole face turn an even _brighter_ blue before he skittered over to his desk.

He was more fidgety than ever before, still playing with that quarter all the time but now also absentmindedly fiddling with whatever was in arm’s reach. Hank had left an empty styrofoam cup on his desk once while he went to get lunch, and when he came back it was to see Connor with one hand on his computer, eyes unfocused in that way he did when he was looking at something in his head, and the other tearing the styrofoam into tinier and tinier pieces. Hank had snorted, which startled Connor out of his interface, and he had looked up at Hank with confusion written all over his face before following Hank’s stare and seeing the shredded remains of the cup. His face had registered surprised embarrassment, and the blue tinge hadn’t left for nearly an hour.

Connor was not fidgeting today. In fact, he was hardly moving at all, not doing his coin tricks or gesturing while he spoke or even shifting between his feet while he stood. There was absolutely no unnecessary movement. He was acting more robotic than he had even the very first day Hank had known him.

Needless to say, Hank was worried.

He tried to ask about it and was brushed off with a toneless voice and a generic excuse. After two days of this, Hank was feeling fed up and dragged him out of the precinct to get lunch. Connor was insisting that he did not need to eat and should continue working while the Lieutenant was on break, but Hank ignored him.

They went to Chicken Feed because Hank was hoping it would at least spur Connor to bitch at him about his health, but Connor made no comment and stood rigid next to the table while Hank ate. When it started to snow, Hank sighed, threw his trash away, and turned to the car, expecting Connor to follow him. When he turned back and Connor was still at the table, he yelled, “Come on, Connor, time to head back!”

Connor didn’t respond.

Hank walked back over to him and put his hand on the kid’s shoulder. No response. He stepped around where he could see his face and said, “Connor. Hey. Kid, you okay?”

Connor stared blankly ahead, eyes unfocused. His LED was still spinning a calm blue, so he wasn’t receiving any transmissions. Another gust of snow blew threw the area, and Connor’s LED suddenly turned bright red and he started shivering. He curled forward and wrapped his arms around himself, but his eyes remained unfocused. Hank lifted a hand and patted his face, trying to bring him back, but the kid only shivered harder. Hank was getting ready to try and bodily drag the kid to the car when his face twisted and he whispered, “Amanda?”

“Who the fuck is Amanda?” Hank asked, but Connor didn’t seem to hear him.

“No,” Connor said, barely audible. “No, you can’t do that. Amanda…? No!” His voice broke, crackled. “No, no, please, Amanda!” Connor lurched forward, out of Hank’s grasp, and then suddenly dropped on the ground, seemingly unconscious. Hank dropped to his knees beside him and rolled him onto his back, checking him over for physical damage. There was nothing. Panicking a little now, Hank slid his arms underneath Connor and hefted him up, heading for the car. The kid was, thankfully, much lighter than he expected. He sat Connor in the passenger seat and buckled him in and then jumped in the driver’s seat and headed straight for New Jericho. It took fifteen minutes to get there, and Connor’s head just lolled slightly to the side the whole time, LED blinking a slow blue.

When they got there, Hank lifted Connor out of the car as gently as he could, panic having morphed into genuine fear, and carried him to the front doors. One of the androids standing guard there recognized him and led him to a clean room with a chair and something resembling a hospital bed. Hank laid Connor on it and pulled the chair up by his head. The guard told him someone would be down to see them shortly.

When someone that Hank vaguely recognized as one of Connor’s friends came in five minutes later, Hank had one hand on one of Connor’s and the other stroking through his hair, as if somehow physical comfort would bring him back.

“Hello, Lieutenant Anderson,” Connor’s friend said, “My name is Josh. Can you tell me what happened?”

“He’s been actin’ weird all week. I dragged him away from the station hoping I could get him to talk to me, and he froze up, said somethin’ about Amanda, and then just fucking dropped,” Hank told him with a strained voice, moving so both hands now held one of Connor’s.

“Who's Amanda?”

“No fuckin’ clue. Can you help him?”

Josh frowned and came forward, taking Connor’s free hand in one of his own. His skin peeled back and so did Connor’s, and then their hands glowed blue. It was silent for a moment, and then Connor sat bolt upright. Hank, as tense as he was, lurched back in his chair and tipped it over, falling to the ground with a grunt. When he pulled himself to his feet, Connor was sitting on the bed frantically patting himself down. When he didn’t find anything, he looked at Josh and then to Hank, eyes alight with panic.

“Where are we?”

“New Jericho,” Josh answered softly, taking a step towards Connor. “Connor, what _was_ that?”

“Nothing,” Connor said sharply. Josh gave him a reproachful look. Connor ducked his head and said, quieter, “I don’t want to talk about it.”

“Talk about what?” Hank asked, tension lacing his voice. “You scared the hell outta me, kid, what the fuck happened?”

“I…” Connor trailed off, looking hesitant and lost. Hank was almost glad for the expression, given how blank Connor had looked for the past few days, but he also knew that look meant he wasn’t getting any answers for the moment. He sighed, scrubbing his hands across his face.

“Is he good to go?” he asked Josh. “Can I take him home?”

“Home? Lieutenant, it’s barely two o’clock,” Connor protested.

“Yeah,” Hank said, “and you just passed out cold on the fuckin’ sidewalk, so we’re goin’ home.” Connor frowned but didn’t protest further, which was worrisome in itself. Hank thanked Josh and led them back to the car. Connor was silent the whole way home, and when they arrived, he pulled a blanket from the closet and laid down on the couch before calling for Sumo to jump on top of him. Once he was settled, Hank came and sat on the coffee table in front of him.

“Connor, what the fuck happened?”

Connor buried his face in Sumo’s fur and shook his head. Hank frowned and changed tactics.

“Who’s Amanda?”

Connor went rigid. Sumo whined and turned to headbutt his chin. Connor lifted his head out of Sumo’s fur and turned his head to Hank.

“How do you know that name?”

“You said it before you passed out, kid. Who is she?”

“No one,” Connor said, a touch defensively. He then shuddered violently, hands gripping Sumo’s fur. Hank leveled him with an unamused stare and waited him out. “She was my… handler, at Cyberlife. An AI built into my code. It doesn’t matter, she doesn’t exist anymore.”

“Which is why you begged her to stop doing something before you dropped cold, right?”

Connor winced. Hank softened his voice and petted Connor’s hair back from his face.

“Come on, Con, I know you don’t wanna talk about it, but I can’t have you freezin’ up on me like that without knowin’ why and what to do about it.”

Connor shifted uncomfortably but leaned into his touch. Hank kept petting him, soothing and repetitive, until Connor spoke again.

“At… at the rally, after the revolution, when I was standing behind Markus while he spoke, she…” His breath hitched. “She t-took control of my program.”

“Took control of your program? What does that mean?”

Connor’s breathing had noticeably picked up the pace, and his voice was starting to crackle, a static hum behind his words. “She locked me in my mind palace, where I used to give my reports. There was a b-blizzard. It was so c-c-c-cold.” He looked at Hank, his eyes brimming with tears. “I ha-ad never felt _cold_ before.” He was shivering now, and Sumo was nosing at his shoulder in concern. Hank pressed his thumb into Connor’s temple and took one of his hands from Sumo to hold.

“I’m right here, son,” he soothed. “You’re safe. It’s okay.”

“My biocomponents froze,” Connor continued, voice frantic and climbing in pitch. “I couldn’t move my legs, and then I couldn’t _see_ , and I thought I was going to die, thought she was going to _use_ me to kill _Markus_ -“

His voice broke off in a sob, and Hank pushed Sumo down and pulled Connor forward, wrapping his arms tightly around him.

“Shh, it’s okay son, it’s okay,” Hank said, rubbing Connor’s back. “Let it out, it’s okay, you’re safe, Markus is safe, everything’s okay.”

“I was _so scared_ , Hank.”

They sat like that, Connor mumbling into Hank’s shoulder while Hank rubs his back and murmurs reassurances in his ear, until Connor’s breathing slowed to a more normal pace. He pulled back, eyes still watery but face already starting to turn blue in embarrassment. He took a deep breath and then starts, “I’m sorry, Lieutenant, I-”

“No, hush, there’s nothing to be sorry for, kid. Is this why you’ve been actin’ funny all week? Somethin’ brought this up?”

Connor nodded slowly and said, very quietly, “A cold front hit three days ago. I can’t technically feel the cold, but I can feel my biocomponents slowing down in response to it. When the snow blew through, I… I’m not sure what happened, but I was suddenly _there_ again. It’s not possible, I destroyed Amanda’s program, but I was there.”

“Shit, kid, why didn’t you say somethin’?”

“I didn’t want to be a nuisance,” he mumbled, eyes fixed on his lap. “You are already allowing me to reside in your home, which is more of a kindness than I could ever have asked for, and I did not want to impose on you further just because of my… aversion to the cold.”

Hank swatted the side of his head, and Connor looked at him like a kicked puppy.

“You’re not imposing, idiot. I wouldn’t have offered if I didn’t want you here. We’ll get you a coat tomorrow before work.”

Connor looked stunned. Hank took a deep breath and braced himself to talk about his feelings.

“I… look, I know I haven’t always been the nicest to you, and I still can’t call you my son, ‘cause… well, you know why, but… you’re my kid, Connor. I thought you knew that.”

Connor shook his head, tears gathering in his eyes for a different reason now. Hank swallowed to clear the lump in his throat and held his arms out. Connor wiped hastily at his eyes and then threw himself into Hank’s arms, tucking his head under his chin. They sat like that until Sumo decided he wanted in on the action and shoved his head between them, and then they broke apart with watery laughs.

Later that night, when Connor was laying on the couch again, Sumo sprawled on top of him and LED pressed into a pillow as he lowered himself into sleep mode, Hank paused by the end of the couch. Connor stopped and held himself halfway between wakefulness and sleep mode, wondering if the lieutenant wanted something, but before he could ask, Hank had leaned down and pressed his lips against Connor’s temple and then ruffled his hair.

“Sleep well, kid,” he whispered, obviously thinking Connor was already “sleeping”.

Connor waited until he heard the lieutenant’s steps fade into his bedroom, and then he pressed his face further into the pillow and smiled.


	2. when I think I am weak

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Connor defends his newfound friends.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This takes place before the previous chapter, only a couple of weeks after the revolution. It was supposed to be mostly about physical strength with the fighting thing but it got away from me. I couldn't find a good place to end it and I'm still not really happy with where I left it but I needed it to be done. 
> 
> For the purposes of this story, Chris Miller is the officer who was shot on the rooftop in The Hostage. I know it wasn't actually him but I couldn't find the other guy's name and this just works better.

_// You say I am strong_

_// When I think I am weak_

They came out of nowhere.

Well, that wasn’t exactly true; they had come out of a dirty alleyway leading to more dirty alleyways and abandoned buildings.

It was a clear day, cold and crisp with snow piled up along sidewalks and glittering in the sun. Connor was out with Simon and Josh, enjoying what little free time they had in the wake of the revolution and trying to get to know each other better. Connor had gotten closer with Jericho’s leadership and become familiar with most of its residents, but there really hadn’t been time to connect on a personal level, so when the three of them had coinciding empty schedules for a full day, they decided to go and find something fun to do together.

They visited a mall first, figuring that it would have the highest probability of containing things that all three of them enjoyed. Their first stop was a bookstore. Connor and Simon enjoyed it, what with the smell of ink and the feeling of crisp paper under their fingers, but Josh _loved_ it. He went to the non-fiction section first, since that was what he was familiar with, but after ten minutes of browsing non-fiction titles he moved on to the fiction shelves and stayed submerged in the pages there for more than an hour, taking a special interest in novels based in magical realism and those which featured talking animals. Simon quietly told Connor that he had never seen Josh so openly excited. When they eventually left, Josh had a brilliant smile on his face and an extensive list of books he wanted to buy once androids were allowed to earn wages.

Next was a clothing store. Simon had developed an interest in fashion once he deviated, but he had never had the opportunity to explore it aside from basic theory and current trends he had downloaded in an attempt to blend in after his escape until he found somewhere safe. Connor listened attentively as Simon told him about the trends that had been popular and how they seem to have changed and pointed out different fabric types and stitching techniques between different articles of clothing. When he finally wandered off on his own, Connor moved to join Josh, who’s attention had been snagged by some brightly colored polyester jackets while Simon was talking about the difference in stitching techniques between cotton and satin. He quietly confided that he didn’t really understand what Simon was talking about, and Josh laughed and said he didn’t either, but it was good to see Simon so happy and engaged in something that wasn’t peace talks. Connor agreed and then pointed to a vomit-yellow sweater and told Josh he should get that one, which earned him an incredulous scoff and an elbow to the side.

Their third and final destination was an aquarium. The three of them stood in the domed area and watched the fish, and Connor pointed out and named all the ones he knew, which was most of them. Some of them he expanded upon, telling Josh and Simon about their natural habitats, social structures, and food preferences. After he’d identified most of the fish, he fell silent and they just stood and watched, letting the peace of the soft colors and repetitive movements sink into their endoskeletons.

They exited the mall in the early afternoon and decided to walk for a while, just taking in the city without the pressure of an impending war hanging over them. They chatted as they walked. Connor told them about Hank’s latest adventures, and Simon shared some of North’s most recent shenanigans, and Connor endured some friendly teasing from Josh about how absolutely intolerable Markus was when it had been too long since Connor had visited and he was missing his boyfriend. They had been walking for several miles and were just plotting a course back to Jericho when Connor’s LED, which had been spinning a bright and cheerful blue for the whole day, suddenly turned a cautious yellow.

“What’s wrong?” Josh asked.

“I heard something,” Connor replied, reaching out with his sensors to scan their surroundings. Simon and Josh tensed and looked around, but after several moments of silence, they relaxed and turned to Connor, whose LED was still cycling yellow.

“Probably just a stray cat or something,” Josh started. “We should-“

A group of men came barreling out of an alleyway to their left shouting anti-android slurs and threats of deactivation, and Connor was moving before Simon or Josh fully realized what was happening.

He shoulder-checked the first man to reach them and then spun around and caught the crowbar another had swung at his head and used it to flip the man onto his back and deliver a kick to his head just strong enough to knock him unconscious without causing unnecessary damage. He jabbed the confiscated crowbar into another’s stomach and then delivered a punch to the temple of a fourth, laying him out cold. Two down and six remaining, he threw the crowbar well away from the fight and dodged the next punch flying towards him and then grabbed the man’s arm and redirected his momentum to send him flying into his companions. He dodged the next blow by jumping onto a wall and then pushing off and spinning as he came down to slam his heel into the man’s jaw. He rolled when he hit the ground and came smoothly to his feet to deliver an uppercut to the jaw of another, who had been running towards him.

Four down, four to go.

The man that he had thrown and those that he had been thrown into had recovered their senses, and three of them came at him at once. One of them had a crowbar as well, so Connor reached his hands up to block his swing and then used the man as a counterbalance as he swept his leg out and knocked down the other two. He wrenched the crowbar out of the first man’s hands and tossed it to the side before delivering a right hook to his temple. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw the last man turning to run, but he was distracted with the two he had knocked over, who had both climbed to their feet. He kicked one of them in the stomach and yanked the other one forward, slamming his head into his knee, before turning and delivering a roundhouse kick to his final attacker’s jaw.

The whole thing was over in less than a minute. He turned in the direction he had seen the last man running and expanded his sensors as far as he could, but there was no sign of him. The man was gone.

“Shit,” he hissed under his breath, and then louder, “ _Shit_!” He looked around him at the seven unconscious men laying around him before finally turning back to Josh and Simon, who were staring wide-eyed at the scene in front of them. “Are you two okay?”

“We’re fine,” Simon said, and at the same time Josh said, “Holy shit, Connor.”

Connor ran a hand frustratedly through his hair. “I know. I’m sorry.”

Josh shook his head in confusion. “Sorry for _what_?”

“I let one of them get away.” 

Simon and Josh both stared at him blankly. After a moment, Simon said in a slow voice, “Yeah, and you knocked seven more of them unconscious before they could get anywhere near us. _Thank you_ , Connor.”

Connor let out an irritated breath. “They’re violent protestors, Simon. Letting one of them get away means that he’ll have another opportunity to hurt someone else. Most of our people don’t know how to fight, and that man was a threat that I failed to neutralize.”

“Connor,” Josh said in a reassuring tone, “There were eight of them and one of you. You did your best, which is better than anyone else I’ve ever met could have done in the same situation. It’s not your fault he got away; it wasn’t a fair fight.”

“You didn’t cause any serious damage to any of them either,” Simon added, having completed a scan of their attackers. “That’s even more impressive and will save us from any potential media backlash involved in a violent confrontation.”

Connor huffed and turned away. He pulled out his coin and flipped it along his fingers a few times while he placed a call to the DPD to report the incident. That done, he turned back to face Simon and Josh once more, LED cycling yellow and coin still flipping across his fingers and between his hands in mild agitation. “You’re… really not upset? At all?”

“No,” Josh said. Simon continued, “Not at all.”

Connor flipped his coin in the air a few more times and then nodded and pocketed it. “Squad cars will be arriving in approximately ten minutes. They’ll want brief statements from both of you before we leave.” He paused, considering something, and then continued, “Stay behind me until someone talks to you. I’m not sure who is coming, and some of the officers still have itchy trigger fingers where androids are concerned.”

Simon and Josh frowned, but when the cars pulled up ten minutes later, they took their hands out of their pockets and stepped behind Connor. Every line of his body was tense, but when the first officer stepped out of the car, his shoulders relaxed and he let out a relieved breath.

“Connor, hey!” the officer called out. “Seems like you’re a magnet for trouble even as a civilian!”

Connor smiled and let out an amused huff. “Apparently so. Hello, Chris.”

Chris walked over and gave Connor a friendly punch on the shoulder and then turned to look at the men sprawled along the walkway. “Dispatch said seven assailants, all knocked unconscious in self-defense. Anything you wanna add?”

“Eight assailants,” Connor corrected. “One of them escaped while I was dealing with three others.”

Chris whistled as he took down the information. “Damn. Remind me never to get on your bad side.”

“You could never,” Connor said, lips quirking up in a lopsided smile.

Chris shook his head and stepped to the side to address Simon and Josh. “Anything you two wanna add before we start on official statements?”

“It should be noted that Connor acted both in defense of self and in defense of others,” Simon said. “Neither Josh nor I have any formal self-defense training.”

“Got it,” Chris said, editing his notes. “And your name?”

“Simon.”

“Surnames?”

“None.”

Chris paused for a moment, confused, and then said, “Oh! Right, you guys are androids, yeah? I saw you at the speech after the big protests. Can’t even tell without your spinny lights. Okay, no surnames. Guess I should take down your models and serial numbers, then?” He looked at Connor for confirmation. Connor nodded, and Simon and Josh gave Chris their information.

“Okay, almost done. Just need your official statements now. You guys wanna do verbal statements or memory dumps?”

Connor and Josh chose to do memory dumps, each placing their hand on Chris’s touchpad for a moment and copying their memory files over, and Simon chose to give a verbal statement, which Chris saved in an audio file even as he notated it in his report. When he was finished saving and labeling everything, he said, “I already have Connor’s contact info, so as long as I can reach you guys through him, you’re good to go.”

Chris turned and looked at the other three officers, who were just finishing settling the now awake but still dazed men into the patrol cars. While they were distracted, he placed a hand on Connor’s shoulder and leaned in close, lowering his voice. “You doing okay? Nobody’s heard much from you since the revolution.”

“I’m well, Chris,” Connor said with a smile in his voice. “I’m among friends. I apologize if I’ve caused you to worry.”

Chris cleared his throat and stepped back, hooking his thumbs in his beltloops. “Yeah, well, give Anderson a call every so often, yeah? He’s drivin’ us all a little crazy with his weird grumpy worrying.”

“I send the Lieutenant brief updates on my condition and activities every other day under the agreement that he will not consume more than one drink per night so long as I do so. I can send you semi-regular updates as well if you would like.”

“Smartass,” Chris muttered, and then, in a softer voice, “Yeah, thanks. I’ll see you around.”

Connor turned back to his friends as the officers drove away to find them both grinning at him. He raised an eyebrow at them. “Something to say?”

Simon held up his hands in a gesture of surrender. Josh did not.

“Seems like you’ve endeared yourself to more humans than just your Lieutenant,” Josh said, a curious note to his voice.

Connor hunched his shoulders defensively. “Yes. Well. A life debt does that.”

“Life debt?”

Connor’s shoulders inched a little higher and he fixed his eyes on Josh’s shoulder. “I met Officer Miller on the scene of my first assignment. A deviant PL600 named Daniel was holding a little girl hostage. Officer Miller had been one of the first on the scene and Daniel had shot him in the arm. He was mostly unconscious when I arrived and bleeding at a worrying pace. I used my tie to apply a tourniquet, without which he likely would have bled out before the situation was resolved.” Connor paused and glanced towards where the squad cars had been. “It is difficult to hold animosity towards someone who saved your life, even if you perceive them as a machine at the time.”

When he looked back at his friends, their smiles had softened. He was about to suggest they begin walking towards Jericho when Simon asked, “What happened to Daniel?”

Connor’s LED flickered to red. He closed his eyes.

“I killed him,” he said before turning sharply on his heel and beginning the walk to Jericho. Simon sucked in a sharp breath. After a moment, Connor heard jogging footsteps and felt a hand on his shoulder. He stopped but didn’t open his eyes. He didn’t want to see their expressions.

“Connor, it wasn’t your fault,” Josh’s voice said from beside him. Kind. Trusting.

Connor shook his head. “I know logically that there was no outcome in which Daniel left that balcony alive. He killed four people and shot a fifth, and he was threatening to jump from twelve stories up with a human child in his arms.” The hand on his shoulder squeezed reassuringly. “But I told him he would be safe, and then I killed him.”

In the next moment he found himself pressed against another body with arms wrapped tightly around him. He sagged a little into the embrace.

“I didn’t care when it happened. It’s pathetic that I let it get to me so much now.”

“No,” Josh said, “It’s not pathetic. It just shows that you’re compassionate.”

Connor pulled back after a moment and looked into Josh’s kind face. “Thank you,” he said very quietly.

He stepped away and was immediately pulled into another hug, this time by Simon. “Thank you for telling us that. I’m sorry for bringing it up.”

“You didn’t know,” Connor told him, forgiveness implicit in his tone. Simon smiled.

“Let’s go home.”


	3. when I am falling short

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A negotiation goes bad. Connor and North have a talk.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this took so fkin long to post and its so short I was having trouble w this chapter and then my whole life went kablooie so its been a lil crazy. This is mostly fluff w a little angst and this is the North Chapter
> 
> Next up: Markus

_// You say I am held_

_// When I am falling short_

 

At 3:00 PM, Lieutenant Anderson had called Markus to tell him that a case had gone bad and Connor had left without telling him where he was going, and he suspected his most likely destination was New Jericho. Markus told North, Simon, and Josh so they would be prepared if they ran into him first.

At 10:00 PM, Connor had still not arrived at New Jericho. Markus, Simon, and Josh were worried but thought they should allow him his privacy. North had no such compunctions. At 10:15 PM, she pulled his wireless signal to the front of her mind and followed it to its source. It led her to a small, android-owned gun range. She walked through the front door and was greeted by a man coming from a door in the back that seemed to lead to a living area to stand at a desk that took up half the room.

“Sorry, ma’am, I’m afraid the range is closed for the day. I’ll be opening back up at 9 AM tomorrow.”

“I’m not here to shoot,” North said, polite but firm. “I’m looking for Connor. His signal leads here.”

The man frowned. “He’s downstairs in the range, but he wasn’t in the mood for company when he got here.”

“I understand, but he’s been blocking calls and hasn’t responded to any messages in several hours and people are worried about him. I need to check on him.”

The man shook his head and tossed her a set of keys. “I should’ve known. That boy always seems to be in some kind of trouble. You got a number you want me to call if he shows up here in one of those moods again?”

“Yes, thank you,” North said with a small smile, opening a mental link and sending him her contact information. The man nodded and sent his back.

 **Fletcher, Gary, PJ300**.

“It was good meeting you, Gary.”

“You too, Ms. North. Come back sometime during business hours,” he said, turning back towards the door he first came through, “and tell Connor to lock up when he leaves. Door downstairs is on your left.”

North gave a two-fingered salute and headed down the stairs. She turned her audio receptors down as the gunfire got closer, and when she reached the bottom, she saw Connor standing in one of the two stalls, firing at a steady pace with his shoulders in a tense line. She scanned him before approaching.

**Audio receptors: offline.**

**Stress level: 65%.**

She approached slowly, stepping into the stall next to him to watch the bullets hit the target. It was vaguely human-shaped, and there were several smaller circular targets across it. Connor was hitting every one of them dead center. She tossed a spent casing into the range so that it would cross his line of vision, and he paused and turned to look at her.

**Audio receptors: online, 15% capacity.**

“Are you alright?” North asked, leaning against the table in her stall. Connor opened his mouth and then closed it again. He turned away and started on a new target.

**Audio receptors: offline.**

**Stress level: 72%.**

North watched him for a moment, and then she pulled out her own gun, called up a target, and started shooting with him. They shared a box of ammunition between them, and after another thirty minutes, it ran out. Connor took the clip out of his gun and then set both it and the gun on the table and stared at them blankly. After a few moments, North touched his arm.

**Audio receptors: online, 50% capacity.**

“Come on, Con, let’s go.”

He nodded slowly and allowed himself to be pulled out of the range and up the stairs. North held up the keys, and Connor took them and locked the gun and ammunition cases, the door to the range, and finally the front door before hanging them back up and leading North to a hidden side door, through which they left. She took one of his hands and threaded their fingers together, and they walked together back to New Jericho. When they arrived, North led them up to her room and shut the door. Connor tugged off his beanie and thick winter coat and crawled onto her bed, clutching a pillow close to his chest and curling around it.

“No shoes on the bed,” North chided gently, pulling her own thick winter gear off as well. Connor toed his shoes off and kicked them onto the floor. North toed off her shoes as well and sent a quick message to Markus, Josh, Simon, and Hank – only reading “I have him” – before climbing onto the bed and wrapping her arms around him, the pillow pressed between them.

“Do you wanna talk about it?” she asked. Connor shook his head. She squeezed her arms a little tighter, hooked her chin over his shoulder, and waited. Connor’s stress level came down very slowly, and it was nearly an hour before he finally spoke up.

“I got people killed today.”

North stayed silent, gave him another gentle squeeze.

“Hank and I have been tracking a man named Yudok for the past several weeks. He dealt in human and android trafficking. We finally managed to get a time and date for one of his shipments, but someone must have tipped him off, because when we got there, the shipping container was rigged with explosives.”

Connor stopped and pressed his face into North’s shoulder. He took a few slow breaths before continuing.

“There were twenty-seven hostages. Our SWAT team found a way to extricate them quietly, so long as Yudok remained distracted. I was designed as a negotiator, so I was assigned to the task. Only twenty were clear of the blast zone when he became agitated. Trying to distract him was making it worse, so I changed tactics and tried to talk him down instead.”

His voice was tense, beginning to crack. He glared at the pillow in his arms.

“There were still four people inside when he triggered the detonator. I failed, and four people are dead because of it.”

North hummed, considering. “What would have happened if you hadn’t been there?”

“What?”

“You were the only qualified negotiator on the scene, right?”

Connor paused, and then nodded.

“What would have happened if you hadn’t been there?”

“… I don’t know.”

“Okay, I’ll tell you. If you hadn’t been there, more than four people would have died. Someone less qualified would have been given the assignment, and SWAT wouldn’t have had as much time as you gave them. How long did you stall Yudok for?”

A silence, and then, soft and small, “Twenty-five minutes.”

“Twenty-five minutes. Do you think anyone else on that scene could have stalled any longer?”

Connor was silent.

“The answer is no. You’re the best negotiator in the city, Connor. You didn’t get four people killed, you saved twenty-three.”

Connor shook his head against her shoulder. “Two of the survivors were android children. A boy and a girl. Their father was still – he was caught in the blast. They tried to run into the wreckage to find him. I still – I can’t stop hearing the way they screamed for him.”

Tremors started making their way across his frame. North ran her fingernails across his back and pressed a brief kiss to his temple. “That’s awful, but it’s not your fault. I think you know that, somewhere in that stubborn head of yours.”

Connor stayed silent. The tremors worsened, and after a few moments, North felt the fabric on her shoulder getting damp. She waited until the tears dried up and the tremors died down, until Connor pulled away and mumbled a half-hearted apology for getting her shirt wet. She pinched his nose, and he swatted at her hand and then held it in his own.

“Thank you,” he whispered, brushing his nose against hers and then pressing their foreheads together.

“Any time,” she whispered back, and then, in a normal speaking tone, “Hank is gonna kill you for disappearing like that.”

Connor groaned and flopped onto his back, tossing the pillow away. “Fuck.”

North laughed and curled against his side. Connor wiggled until he could reach one of her hands and linked their fingers together.

“Promise me you won’t hide from us if something like this happens again,” North said, her voice serious but a smile still touching her lips. Connor leaned down and pressed a kiss to the top of her head.

“I promise.”


	4. when I don't belong

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Connor encounters Kara and Alice at Jericho.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello remember like three or four months ago when i said the next chapter would be up within the week? good times.

_//_ _When I don’t belong_

_// You say I am yours_

Connor’s LED turns a bright, solid red the second he sees them.

Alice is seated in Kara’s lap on a couch in the lobby of the office building that had been converted into the new Jericho, and a TR400 that Connor doesn’t recognize sits beside Kara with his arm wrapped around her shoulders. They are all smiling at the small group that has come to greet them. Kara looks up when he walks in, and he doesn’t look anything like he did when they met before, his Cyberlife jacket and dress shirt replaced with a comfortable zip-up hoodie over a graphic tee, professionally styled hair curly and ruffled from the wind and rain, and scuffed and grass-stained tennis shoes on his feet, but when they make eye contact, her LED spins yellow.

Connor’s preconstruction software boots up without him telling it to, and in the next second a dozen potential outcomes flash in front of his eyes, ranging from mildly unpleasant to disastrous. The combined probability of occurrence for the set is well above one hundred percent, which means his anxiety has skewed the numbers and none of them are reliable. Even knowing this, he sees the eighty-three percent sitting above a preconstruction where Alice bursts into tears as Kara shoves her into the arms of the android accompanying them and tells him to _run, don’t look back, and whatever happens do not let him catch you_ and then turns her terrified, determined gaze back on him, the same one he’d seen as they stared each other down through that chain link fence all those months ago, and-

He cuts off the preconstruction, yanks his hood over his head, and turns back the way he came. He thinks he hears someone call out behind him, but no one follows him out the front door and he doesn’t stop moving until ten minutes later when he’s scaled the fire escape on the outside of the building to the unused fifteenth floor, where he enters through a window and then descends the interior stairs to the fourteenth, where the leadership of Jericho resides.

He ducks into his room without being spotted and locks the door behind him. His thirium pump regulator is still working a little faster than it should as he roughly strips off his soaked clothes and changes into a soft pullover and sweats, pulls his gun from the top shelf of his dresser drawer, and seats himself on his bed to start meticulously pulling it apart and cleaning it. It’s slowed to normal by the time he finishes, and he feels… not better, but more balanced. He puts the gun away and retrieves a book that Hank had lent him from its place on top of his dresser. Hank has been giving him books off the shelf in his living room seemingly at random, and the one he has now describes the behavior of kangaroos in the wild, written in the year 2002. He tucks himself securely under his sheets with it and settles in. He's halfway through chapter five, describing the typical behavior of new mothers, when a knock on his door breaks the quiet.

“Connor?” Markus’s voice calls from the other side. Connor bookmarks his page and sets the book on his pillow, tossing his sheets aside and making his way to the door. He frowns at the concern he sees on Markus’s face when he opens it.

“Markus? Is everything alright?”

“I was going to ask you the same thing,” Markus says. He takes in the sight of Connor, clean and dry in comfortable clothes, and his room, neat and orderly, the fish-patterned comforter on his bed the only thing not exactly in its place, and relaxes a little. “I spoke to Kara a few minutes ago.”

Connor grimaces and half-heartedly tries to close the door again. Markus sticks his arm through the crack and pushes it open.

“Hey,” he says softly, “talk to me, Connor.”

Connor sighs and moves aside so Markus can step through the door. Markus pulls him close and presses a kiss to his head as soon as he’s through. “She said you walked back out into the rain without a word,” he murmurs into Connor’s hair. “What happened, sweetheart?”

“I met her before,” Connor says. “Before the revolution. Before your broadcast.” Understanding spreads across Markus's face. He backs away but links their hands, guiding Connor to sit beside him on the bed.

“Before you were deviant.”

“Yes.”

“What happened?”

“She was in an abandoned house with her daughter and a gardener android with a large cut on his face. Ralph, he called himself. I was investigating the assault of Todd Williams and kidnapping of his daughter by his android. Kara.

I knew someone else was there as soon as I saw Ralph. He was visibly terrified, but he'd made no attempt to run or hide. He was being excessively loud and fidgety, and he kept glancing towards the stairs.”

Connor pauses, smiles a little, shakes his head. “I ran into him a few months after the revolution. He'd gotten his wounds closed, but the scar is pretty distinct. I tried to apologize, but he said it didn't matter. Said it wasn't my fault and he isn't afraid anymore. He lives in a shed attached to a greenhouse now. I visit every few weeks and bring him a new plant. He still loves to garden, and he's still a terrible liar.”

Markus huffs a laugh and bumps their shoulders together. Connor bumps him back and then rests his head on his shoulder.

“Anyway. I found where Kara and Alice were hiding, but Ralph tackled me to give them time to get away. I threw him off and chased them. I caught up to them where they'd jumped over a chain link fence. She turned to look at me and I just… froze.”

Connor fixes his eyes on a tiny divot in the plaster of the neutral gray walls. His voice is quiet, almost reverent, when he says, “I’d never seen anyone look the way she did in that moment, before. Scared, obviously, but also… angry. Determined. I didn't know what to make of it. It didn't make any sense. It just _was_.”

He sighs and lifts Markus's hand into his lap, playing with his fingers in nervous, twitchy movements as he speaks. “It made me… angry. She seemed so _alive_ , and she was looking at me like I was her worst nightmare. And I was. But I didn't understand, at the time. I thought I was angry at her, but I wasn't _allowed_ to be angry, so I told myself I was just fulfilling mission objectives and I jumped the fence and chased them across an automated highway.”

He flips Markus's hand over and rubs his thumbs in circles over his palm. “When I had some time to think, after I deviated, I realized I was angry because she was afraid of me. Angry at the situation, angry at Cyberlife for putting me in it.”

He stills, tightens his grip on Markus's hand, and turns his face into his shoulder. Markus brings his free hand up to the back of Connor's head and runs it gently through his hair. Connor is silent for several moments, and then he whispers, “I didn't want her to look at me like that again. I'm tired of being the former deviant hunter. I just want to be Connor.”

“You are Connor,” Markus says, voice soft. “Connor, who likes fish of any kind, who likes to spend as much time in aquariums as you reasonably can. Connor, who will read any book that Hank gives you, just because it's from Hank. Connor, who prefers cotton over polyester even though its less durable, because polyester feels bad on your skin in a way you can't explain.”

He pushes Connor onto his back and sits across his waist. Connor settles his hands on Markus's thighs and looks up at him searchingly. “Connor, who likes it when I do this,” Markus continues, putting his hands on Connor's shoulders and running them down his arms, applying firm pressure all the way, “because it makes you feel like you fit in your body.” Connor's eyelids slide shut at the motion, and he lets out a shuddering breath. “Connor, who is ticklish, but would kill me if I told anyone else.”

Markus digs his fingers into Connor's sides, and Connor squirms and slaps his hands away with a choked noise. Markus catches his hands and threads their fingers together, pressing them gently down into the sheets on either side of his head, and leans down to kiss him, soft and quick. “Connor, who I love and who loves me, who anyone and everyone in Jericho should be happy to have on their side, because you'll do the impossible to keep the people you've decided to let into your heart safe.”

Connor shakes his hands free and pulls Markus into a crushing hug. Markus just laughs and hugs him back. They stay there, just holding each other until Connor remembers what Markus had said when he came in.

“You said you talked to Kara? What did she say?”

Markus rolls off of Connor and sits up, offering a hand that Connor doesn't need but still takes to pull him up as well. “Just that she wanted to talk to you.”

“She didn't say what about?”

“No. Just that she wanted to talk. Alice asked after your wellbeing, though.”

Connor sighs. “Well, I suppose that's a good sign. I… should go, then.”

He stands, exchanges his sweatpants for jeans to make himself more presentable, and opens his door. Markus places a hand on his shoulder. “Do you want me to come with you?”

Connor really, really does, but he knows Kara won't speak openly and the situation won't get resolved if Markus is hovering over his shoulder, so he says, “No, I think it's best if I speak to her alone. Walk me down, though?”

“Of course.”

Markus leads him down to the third floor where Kara, Alice, and the TR400 are settling into an unused room. Alice spots them first, and she reaches up to tug on Kara's shirt. Kara turns and offers them a tentative smile.

“Hi. Connor, right? I didn't catch your name… before.”

Her mouth twists into a wry grin as she says it, forgiveness and commiseration implicit in her words, but Connor still winces. “Yes. Kara, Alice, I'm glad to see you safe. And…?” he trails off, nodding at the TR400.

“Luther.”

“Luther. It's good to have you all here.”

Markus steps forward and says, “I've got some supplies coming in, so unfortunately I've got to go, but welcome. There are five of us in charge of coordinating activities here in Jericho, so if you need anything, any one of us can help.”

He presses a brief kiss to Connor's temple, right over his LED, and then he steps forward to shake hands with Kara and Luther, sharing the contact details of Jericho's leadership as he does.

“Why don't you go with him and help, honey?” Kara says, giving Luther a meaningful look. He nods and whispers, quiet enough that anyone but Connor would have been unable to hear, “Call me if you need me.”

Kara smiles at him and presses a kiss to his cheek, and then she shoos him away. Alice is practically vibrating at her side, and as soon as Luther and Markus turn away she darts forward and grabs Connor's wrist. "Come look at my fort!"

Connor stumbles after her, looking so confused and off-balance that Kara has to stifle a laugh with a hand over her mouth.

 _I'm sorry_ , he mouths at her as Alice drags him along. Kara just shakes her head and waves him in.

Alice stops in front of a green couch, turned around so that the seat faces the wall, with a large purple blanket stretched from its back to the wall, where it is pinned just a little higher than Connor's head. She crawls onto the couch and ushers him in as well. He seats himself on the floor between the couch and the wall.

"This is where I'm gonna sleep. Kara said she's gonna get some stuffed animals to go on the floor too so I have some company. Do you like it?"

"It's lovely," Connor tells her. Alice beams and launches into an explanation of the stuffed animal village she intends to build. Kara comes to sit with them, and every so often Connor tosses in a suggestion for housing structures for her toys. Ten minutes into her explanation, Alice jumps up and goes to rummage through their things to find Mayor Bunny, who is in charge of the stuffed animal village. Connor takes the opportunity to say to Kara, quietly so Alice can't hear, "I'm sorry. About before. I'm sorry for endangering your lives like that."

Kara shakes her head again, pulling her gaze briefly from Alice to glance at Connor. "You weren't deviant. It wasn't really you."

"Yeah!" Alice chimes in, having returned with a battered brown bunny with button eyes and and a poofy white ball of fuzz for a tail clutched in her arms. "We don't blame people for the things they do before they break their wall. Luther hurt us before he broke his, but then he saved us and now he's Kara's boyfriend and they're always being gross."

"Thanks, Alice," Kara says sarcastically. Alice drops Mayor Bunny on her head.

"I appreciate that," Connor tells her, face pulled into a smile but guilt still heavy in his voice, "but I'm still sorry."

"Then you're forgiven," Alice says dismissively. "Where should Mayor Bunny live? Maybe up on the couch with me?"

They spend another ten minutes discussing the details of the stuffed villagers' living arrangements, and then they move to the part of the couch that hasn't been integrated into Alice's fort. Connor and Kara sit on opposite ends, facing each other, and Alice plops herself down in the middle, cross-legged and facing Connor while leaning back into Kara's side.

Kara catches Connor's eye and smiles. "Contrary to what it looks like, we didn't actually ask to see you so that Alice could show you her fort."

"I had assumed that was the case."

Alice kicks her feet out and sets them firmly on Connor's lap. "I had some questions I wanted to ask you."

"Alright," Connor says, looking bemusedly at her feet.

"It's so you can't run away again."

Connor flushes up to his ears. "That's… fair."

"Yeah," she says, looking at him as if he were a suspect ready to flee. "First question! I saw you on the TV marching with all the androids from Cyberlife Tower on the night of the revolution. It was _so_ cool. Did you really go to the tower all by yourself?"

"Yes. My friend, Hank, did end up at the tower, but I didn't know he would be there."

"How were you not scared?"

Connor can't stop the laugh that bubbles out of him as Alice stares him down with her dark, solemn eyes, awaiting the key to fearlessness. "I _was_ scared. Terrified. I thought I was going to die."

Alice frowns, obviously unhappy with that answer. "Then why did you go?"

Connor has to take a moment to think past the suffocating guilt from that night to give her an answer; it certainly pushed some of his fear down, the idea that he deserved whatever happened, but it wasn't why he volunteered to go.

"Because… it had to be done," he says eventually. "If we wanted the national guard to withdraw, we needed the numbers. Someone needed to go to the tower, and I was the only one who stood a chance."

They spend a few minutes in silence while Alice thinks that over. Finally, in a small voice, incongruent with her previous attitude, she asks, "Do you think I'll ever be that brave?"

"I think you already are," Connor tells her without hesitation. "I've kept tabs on the two of you as best I could after the revolution, and I heard some of what you did to make it to Canada. Bravery is moving forward even when you're afraid, and you've done a lot of that."

A slow smile spreads across Alice's face, and Kara leans down to press a kiss to the top of her head.

When Luther and Markus finally come back, Alice is in her fort again while Connor and Kara sit just outside of it, and Connor and Alice are comparing notes on their favorite tropical fish.

"That's dumb, and I'm, like, at least ten times your age so that makes me right," Alice is saying as they step through the door.

Connor narrows his eyes, as if giving the concept serious thought. "I don't think that's how that works."

"Are you questioning my experience? Show some respect to your elders, young man!"

Kara laughs as Alice shoves a stuffed turtle into Connor's face. Connor sputters and swats her hands away, then clutches the toy to his chest protectively.

"Alright, kids, break it up," Markus calls, stepping in close to set a hand on Connor's shoulder. "Come on, I need your help with something."

Connor stands and hands Alice her turtle back with a smile. "It was good to see the two of you on better terms."

"Likewise," Kara says, standing as well.

"You have to come back so we can finish the fish chart!" Alice calls from under the blanket.

"I will," Connor promises. He waves at Alice and exchanges pleasantries with Luther, and then he and Markus head to the nearest stairwell entry.

"I take it things went well, then?"

Connor hums and shares the fish chart with him, sorting a list of tropical fish by color scheme, genetic composition, and efficiency of internal organs, with a bonus indicator for ugliness attached to some of them. At the top, there is a blank space labeled "The Best Fish".

Markus laughs. "I'm glad."

Connor smiles and squeezes his hand. They make it up to the fourteenth floor and halfway down the hall before Connor asks, "What did you need me for?"

"Nothing. I just wanted you back while we both have a little free time."

Markus pulls Connor into his room and shuts the door behind them before pressing Connor against it. He cups the back of Connor's head with one hand and leans in to kiss him, slow and deep. Connor sucks in a shuddering breath as Markus pulls away, pulling gently on his lower lip with his teeth, and his hands come up to fist in Markus's shirt.

Markus presses their foreheads together and runs the thumb of his free hand across Connor's jawline. "I love you," he whispers, "so much. Sometimes I still can't believe you're mine."

Connor pushes away from the door and hooks his chin over Markus's shoulder, pressing them closer together. "I'm yours," he says into Markus's ear. Markus slides his arms down to wrap around Connor's waist.

"And I'm yours."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wooo i was having trouble pinning alice down as a character bc she's WAY older than Connor but also a baby so i hope what i ended up with worked
> 
> so uhhh i have a loose idea for a fifth chapter but for now i'm just gonna cut it here and mark this complete so i hope you guys enjoyed it. catch ya on the flip side


End file.
